How-To Guides

How-To: 50 Shades of Grey Your Sex Life

I don’t really believe in guilty pleasures. ABBA, wooly tights, whole baked camembert’s – I don’t think there any point in feeling shame about something that you enjoy. But I do have one dirty secret. I really, really enjoyed Fifty Shades of Grey. Wanting to 50 Shades your sex life is a phenomenon that continues long after the book’s first flurry of popularity. And it’s totally possible.

Step One: Talk 

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You’re never going to make this work if you can’t explain to your partner that it’s something you want. After all, there’s no way he should even be thinking about spanking you if you haven’t expressly explained that you want him to.

Have a glass of wine and curl up with your partner. Skin on skin contact is good for conversations like this one. Explain to him that you’d like him to take charge. That it won’t be a permanent state of affairs, that you don’t want him to run your life and that it doesn’t mean the end of sweet, loving sex. But that for a given period of time you want to be completely and entirely bent to his will.

This is the conversation where you establish your boundaries. Is spanking on the cards? Over the knee or lying on the bed? With an implement or by hand? Shyness needs to be left in the corner for this part of the discussion. But ultimately it’ll be worth it.

This is also the moment to pick a safe word, for if things go too far. There’s a lot of ways to to this. Some people use a traffic light system (yellow for struggling, red for stop.) Some people use their partner’s name, some use fluglehorn. Some don’t play with a safe word at all. It’s entirely your call- but make an informed decision.

Step Two: Prepare

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Agree on when it’s going to happen. Then try to get in the mood. There’s no set way to feel sexy. But a shower, some pretty lingerie and enough time to do your make-up and relax into it is advisable. I’d suggest that a la Fifty Shades, you wait for him in your bedroom, his bedroom or a hotel room. How you wait is up to you. You might want to kneel by the bed for a boost into the submissive headspace, or wait on all fours.

If he’s smart he’ll make you wait a little while. Just long enough for your mind to start racing, wondering what he’s going to do to you when he arrives…

Step Three: Control 

How your partner wants to control you should, to a certain extent be a surprise (within pre agreed boundaries).But there are tools that he can use.

The restriction of eye contact sounds laughable, but it’s massively effective. Not being allowed to look him in the eye means that you’re constantly reminding yourself of his control. And a sharp word from him if you accidentally slip and look upwards might just make you melt.

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Similarly, restriction of what you’re allowed to wear can be a great set up to the dynamic. Perhaps for that evening you have to ask his permission to wear knickers. Or have him tell you exactly which dress he wants to see you in.

The important thing to remember here is that he only has the control that you give him. Ultimately you’re still in the driving seat, but you’re letting him take the control away. And that’s pretty sexy.

Step Four: The Main Event 

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Biting, nipple twisting, hair pulling, lip biting, scratching and spanking are great, easy ways of being dominated without needing to buy toys and equipment. Having sex with him behind, holding your hair or pushing your face down into the pillow leaves you in no doubt about who’s in charge.

Just because he’s in charge doesn’t mean that his pleasure is the only thing that matters. Having him tease you, bring you close to the brink of orgasm over and over again, is hugely dominant and all about your pleasure. Never let a guy get away with disregarding your pleasure in the name of dominance.

Step Five: Aftercare 

You’ve just done something pretty big. You’ve given someone control over you and that’s a hugely vulnerable thing to do. Afterwards you should make sure that you have time to talk about what just happened. What really worked for you? What worked less? Did you consider safe wording at any point? Would you like to do it again? Lie together, again, skin on skin contact is really important, and appreciate each other for what you just did.

Photos copyright of Mighty Aphrodite – see more here

Rebecca is Editor-in-Chief of AFT. Erstwhile freelancer, serial manicurist, feminist and period drama enthusiast. She's spent most of her life talking about sex, so she decided to make a career out of it. Follow her on twitter @AFTRebecca for Taylor Swift elegies and pictures of her manicures.

  • Jessica ASI

    Great article.. touches on all the basics!

    • http://abouttimemagazine Rebecca Reid

      I’m really glad you enjoyed it! Stay tuned for some slightly more advanced D/s tips!

  • xargirl

    “Some don’t play with a safe word at all.”

    Commenter’s note: some do, but most really, really shouldn’t. Especially for beginners, this is a priority time to get the boundaries clear. (I actually winced a little when I read that.)

    • Scarlett de Winter

      When I first started in the fetish scene I didn’t use a safe word because I wasn’t confident enough to rely on it- I felt that having one put the impetus on me, which I wasn’t capable of handling. There’s no right or wrong way to do kink, but you’re right, at the beginning, having a safe word is advisable.

  • http://hacktheneverland.blogspot.co.uk/ enchantedsleeper

    Exploring kink is awesome and should be encouraged, but I really, really wish people wouldn’t use Fifty Shades of Grey as a sex manual, much less a BDSM manual. The relationship in that book is abusive and unhealthy. If you want a great example of a sexy, fun and *healthy* BDSM relationship, read The Boss by Abigail Barnette: https://www.goodreads.com/series/110557-the-boss Seriously, even when I knew on the face of things that FSoG is awful, reading The Boss just threw it into a whole new light – and it’s a fantastic read with a strong heroine and great diversity of cast.

    • Scarlett de Winter

      In theory I agree with you. And I’m pretty much the only person I know who is on the fetish scene and liked fifty shades!

      There are much better examples from a writing point of view and from a moral point of view. But it’s opened people’s eyes and become a shorthand for kink in general. Which is kind of a good thing?