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Which Harry Potter Character Are You In Bed?

A sequel to our ever popular and not at all weird “Which Disney Princess Are You In Bed” quiz.

If you were born anywhere between 1985 and 1998, then you’ve probably grown up as a Harry Potter obsessive. And quite rightly so. They are obviously the greatest works of literature of all time (trust me, I’ve got a 2.2 in English Lit.) But the truly burning question, that somehow has gone unanswered, is: who are you in bed?

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Have you got a mouth like a dementor? Hogwarts Express the only thing enjoying 9 and 3/4? Are you just a Squib, or can you make ‘em Cumbledore? It’s time to find out:

How did you lose your virginity? 

a) I was seventeen, and I felt like it was now or never. Mostly because I was about to go on this gap year/camping trip which might end in death.

b) A gang bang of horny Death Eaters.

c) After I’d planned the exact routine, and researched nine different types of contraceptive measures, I eventually gave it up to an international Quidditch sensation.

d)  A nice eastern European girl who I paid for her troubles. Damn fine filly.

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Who’s in charge in the bedroom? 

a) No-one. We’re equals in all things.

b) We like to change it up. By prior arrangement and negotiation, of course.

c) Me. At all times. Especially when I’m making them bleed with my pointy fingernails, levitating them naked.

d) In charge? Petunia usually suggests pushing the twin beds together on our anniversary?

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What music to you put on when you’re about to get it on? 

a) Something romantic and gentle – Norah Jones or Enya.

b) My specially calibrated sex playlist. It shifts in mood and rhythm as the lovemaking proceeds.

c) The screams of my enemies.

d) The Archers.

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What’s your standard seduction tactic?

a) Soft neck kisses, a bottle of wine and sending the kids to stay with their grandparents. (Not my parents. My parents died. In case you didn’t know.)

b) Correct their pronunciation/wand technique until the sexual chemistry becomes unbearable.

c) The Imperius curse or the sheer aphrodisiac of slaughtering muggles.

d) Bringing home some solid gossip about the next door neighbours.

MOSTLY A’s: Harry Potter

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You might be the chosen one, but when it comes to throw down, you’re more of a pygmypuff than a Hungarian Hornback. You’re all about the well mannered missionary, sweet whispers and long lingering gazes. Admittedly you didn’t get much love in your childhood, but it might be time to consider something a bit less Hufflepuff in the sack.

MOSTLY B’s: Bellatrix Lestrange 

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I’m scared. I’m very, very frightened. Please don’t hurt me. You’re crazy. You’re proper, full scale Angelina Jolie circa mid-90’s, vile of blood wearing mental. Whips, chains, knives, needles, electricity and a bit of recreational drowning are right up your street. And why not apply the cruciatus curse directly to the ball sack whilst you’re at it?

Whilst your experimental open mind is something to admire, maybe just occasionally it would be nice to put the genital clamps down and strip things back to basics? That said, what else could you expect from the woman who is blatantly shlepping it to Voldemort?

MOSTLY C’s: Hermione Granger 

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Full marks for research, and even fuller marks for effort. You’ve read the Karma Sutra from cover to cover, and you’ve done serious research about every sex toy you’ve ever bought. You’re taking this great sex thing very seriously, and we respect that. You plan perfect evenings, wear specially planned underwear and sex is organised fun. And that’s great.

That said, maybe you could do with relaxing just a little bit? Sometimes the really glorious screwing happens when you learn to lose control just a little bit.

MOSTLY D’s: Vernon Dursley

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You know what you like. It’s simple, it’s well rehearsed and it doesn’t give you any trouble. Pushing the single beds together on special occasions works just fine for you thank you very much, and you don’t have much time for all this nonsense between working at the drill firm and getting in a few rounds of golf. And you’ve already got one angelic son, so really what’s the point of any more of this silliness? You’re not sure Petunia ever really enjoyed it anyway.

 

Rebecca is Editor-in-Chief of AFT. Erstwhile freelancer, serial manicurist, feminist and period drama enthusiast. She's spent most of her life talking about sex, so she decided to make a career out of it. Follow her on twitter @AFTRebecca for Taylor Swift elegies and pictures of her manicures.