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Top 5: World’s Weirdest Anal Toys

As the proud author of three articles on anal sex, I’ve stumbled across more than my fair share of disturbing anal toys. My search history is now dirtier than the semi-finals of The Apprentice and I’ve seen things that cannot be unseen. This week, I’ve taken it upon myself to share some of the weirdest anal toys I’ve found with you. Aren’t you lucky?

This is your last chance to turn back.

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1. The Anal Gnome

I first stumbled across the Anal Gnome in around 2009 while shopping for nipple clamps at a sex shop in Soho. In my innocence, I assumed it was a decorative model, for display purposes only, but since then have heard many disturbing rumours that it can be actively used after adequate ‘training’. I have always affectionately thought of this as the Anal Gnome, however, after ten minutes of disturbing and fruitless Google searching I eventually located it under another name. As it transpires, the Ass Midget XXL can be yours for only around £45.

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2. The Fist of Fury

Sadly, I lack the whimsical anecdote for the Fist of Fury that I have for the Anal Gnome. This makes it no less of a worthy candidate for the weirdest anal toys out there. I can think of three reasons for the existence of the Fist of Fury.

A. The sex toy manufacturers have misjudged their audience and people are actually buying these as drama props.

B. People are using them to solve the timeless problem of having arms a touch (I was going to write ‘midge’ but after the last entry, that word has been soured for me) too short to reach the light-switch.

C. Human sexuality is a wondrous and many-faceted thing.

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My guess is B.

3. The Rose Tentacle Glass Dildo

I feel a little fraudulent including this in this post, because during the writing of this article, I have become somewhat taken with the Rose Tentacle. LoveHoney describe it as ‘a work of art’ and I’m inclined to agree. This charming tentacle is much nicer than anything found in a seafood risotto and is infinitely less threatening than the Fist of Fury. It receives bonus points for being pink, as I am not an impartial adjudicator.

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4. Pink Pig Tail Buttplug

Frontrunner in the competition for weirdest anal toys is this cheery fellow. The Pink Pig Tail saddens me as it comes with neither matching ears nor a trough, which I feel is poor marketing. Anyone likely to buy one would doubtless at least consider the others. A tail without ears is a poor costume, indeed, as any girl who’s gone as a slutty cat, fox or rabbit to a Halloween party could tell you. This receives no bonus points for being pink.

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5. The Annihilator XXXL

My main question when it comes to the Annihilator is, why is it XXXL when the Anal Gnome is only XXL? Is this an arbitrary system or is there a legal code? If so, how is it measured and what’s the maximum X-rating? Having never bought anything above a quite respectable medium, my personal and general knowledge fails me here. Either way, the Annihilator is a fearsome beast, indeed. If I were to own him, I would primarily use him for keeping doors open and as a weapon of self-defence.

THE ANNIHILATOR XXXL DILDO

Photo by Rafiq Sarlie.

Red is a staff writer for AFT. Her interests include eating too much, drinking too much and saying too much. She believes in sex that makes you lose yourself, and in the thousand different ways to get there. Outside the bedroom, she likes board games, yoga and scented candles. Inside the bedroom, she likes most things. You can find her on Twitter @Lexical_Life.